


loss

by angelheartbeat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Survivor Guilt, Thor (Marvel) Feels, Thor (Marvel)-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 12:44:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15024869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelheartbeat/pseuds/angelheartbeat
Summary: Thor has handled everything thrown at him in the past with grace and strength and determination.So why is this any different?





	loss

**Author's Note:**

> hhhhhhi love angst

Immediately after the snap, everything is thrown into chaos. People are yelling, running, searching for lovers and friends no longer there, and in amidst it all Thor feels lost.

Theres a thread of guilt in there, somewhere, guilt that he's not panicking like everyone else, concerned for those he loves. He can see Bruce sobbing in his armour, and theres a pang of worry in his chest for Brunnhilde, but the fact of the matter is, save for them, everything and everyone he loved is dead already.

He's numb.

Its an uncomfortable feeling, especially coupled with the chaos and fear raging around him, but its a feeling nonetheless. Everything in his body is screaming at him and his fingers are quivering around the handle of Stormbreaker and he feels like he should be panicking but his brain isn't processing a thing and he's numb.

It takes a while, a long while, but eventually the remainder of earth's mightiest heroes, with the addition of some others, sit around a table. 

When Thor looks around the table, all he feels is guilt, in the middle of the void. Guilt for not preventing this. Guilt when Stark speaks of holding a sobbing teenager as he died, guilt when Rogers quietly whispers of losing Barnes again, guilt when Barton breaks down in quiet sobs, trying to tell them about his family disappearing before him. Guilt at the blank look on the sweet rabbit's face, when Stark tells him what happened to his team. Guilt at the pain the young Wakandan princess - no, queen - must be experiencing at the loss of her brother. 

It is all his fault. He can sense it, he can feel it in the way they look at him. He blames himself too. He had the chance to stop this, to end the deaths before they began, and he couldn't.

Before long they disperse again, unable to remain in the same room as each other for long. Thor doesn't know where each of them go, specifically. He just knows they're mourning.

Thor himself? He goes as far away from Earth as he can bear, touches down on a lonesome planet far, far away and sits in an empty plain. The air softly thrums with static, whether naturally or from him he doesn't know.

And then it hits him.

Waves and waves of grief, sadness, fury. An oceans worth of negativity, sending him under and drowning him. He takes a great shuddering breath before the sobbing begins, wracking his body and forcing him to fold in on himself. He can't see, he can't feel, he can't hear - all he can sense is the roaring in his ears and the swirling hurricane in his soul. Its as though the chaos on earth has been absorbed into him and now he's feeling it, all at once.

He sits, curled into himself like a child, longer than he cares to admit - struggling to process and deal with the tidal wave threatening to sweep him away.

When, eventually, the storm passes (and it does, even if the grey clouds of emotion still hang low over his head), Thor feels weak.

Not weak in a physical sense. Weak in the sense that he's a failure. Weak in the sense that he's pathetic. Weak in the sense that he's dealt with grief and loss before, so why is he only now so  _emotional_ about it?

 _You've never felt loss on this scale before,_ the part of his brain still functioning enough to be rational supplies. And yet it doesn't help. Warriors feel loss all the time, and Thor is a warrior, always has been. He should be able to deal with this. 

But instead he's full of grief and guilt and it's all his fault. He could have saved them. All of them, if he'd been just a little bit faster or closer or  _better._ Why was it not him? Why couldn't he be the one to die, and them all to have lived? Asgard would continue without him - as would Loki, as would Heimdall, as would his mother and father, but he without them? Even the thought seems impossible.

More than anything, he just wants to fall asleep and never get back up. Its so much to bear, too much. He doesn't entirely know why or how he's still breathing, has enough energy to draw great gasping breaths to fuel his shuddering sobs.

He misses his mother. He misses his father. He misses his home, familiar and golden and beautiful. He misses Heimdall, solid and resolute. He misses his brother, mischievous and prickly and comforting. He misses them all so much more than he can bear, and yet he  _should be able to deal with this._

Thor is a warrior, first and foremost, and right now it takes him a moment to remember that. Right now he feels like a child, like a crying child stabbed one too many times to bear. He feels weak, and pathetic, and cold. He doesn't feel like the warrior he should be. 

He's killed over three thousand enemies. He's strong, he's tough, he's a god. But right now he feels like none of those things, and with that lack of identity comes a crashing sensation of insecurity, inadequacy. Odin would never be proud of the son that sat sobbing on an unfamiliar planet, unable to pick himself back up and get on with it.

Quietly, Thor lifts his head and gazes up at the sky, through the thin atmosphere to the scattered clusters of lights, billions of light years away, dying and dead and burning brighter than ever before. He's taken the full force of one of those stars, he wields a weapon created in the heart of it, and yet the expansive sky makes him feel tiny. Unimportant. Useless.

He couldn't save them.  _Any_ of them.

What use was he?

**Author's Note:**

> thor rly needs to just. give himself a break  
> just 2 clarify... i lov him and iw wasnt his fault ok ok
> 
> comment to fuel my angsty gay soul


End file.
